(SATIRE) "Personal Scandal Rocks the White House Again"
The Trump-Putin Affair (2017-2025)
Stay tuned for another post later this weekend:
SATIRE!!!!!!
Disclaimer: This is an article I originally wrote for The Scowl, the satire version of The Cowl, Providence College’s only student newspaper. But for your entertainment, I enclose it below.
In a remarkable turn of events, Americans have now discovered the reason why President Donald Trump and First Lady Melania Trump are never around each other.
The reports are coming fast and furious that Donald Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin have had an extramarital affair with each other dating back to 2017 when Trump was first sworn into office.
The details of the affair are damning, as several sources from The Scowl have now confirmed, and too raunchy to detail in either a college newspaper or on this blog.
However, what we do know and can say unequivocally is that the affair has influenced government policy towards Russia on a wide range of areas, and stems in no small part from Russia’s interference in the 2016 presidential election on behalf of Trump.
The whirlwind affair played a crucial role in Trump siding with Russia over his own intelligence officials when he met with Putin in Helsinki in 2018. Apparently, the private meeting before the public summit had occurred in Putin’s bedroom–without any translators present.
Trump has continued to deny the allegations that Russia interfered on behalf of him and against Hillary Clinton, repeatedly saying so throughout the duration of the Robert Mueller investigation. But tellingly, he has never directly denied a passionate romantic and sexual relationship with Putin.
It turns out the Putin affair also played a major role in stalling arms to Ukraine in 2019, which was originally seen as a basis to “get dirt” on Hunter Biden, the son of the eventual 2020 presidential nominee. But recent reporting has indicated that Trump was also trying to pressure Ukrainian officials to destroy a Trump-Putin sex tape made in Crimea.
And the relationship since flared up bigly to influence other major policy moves in Trump’s second term, ranging from the defunding of USAID which Russia and China cheered on, to pausing military aid and intelligence support to Ukraine, and currently contemplating the lifting of sanctions on Russia itself and its oligarchs.
In fact, rumors have recently circulated that Trump decided to give Putin Ukraine as a way to patch up relations after Trump’s other affair with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un. (Thus far, The Scowl has not been able to independently verify these allegations, although certain sources have allegedly attested to finding nude photos of Kim among the boxes of classified documents at Mar-a-Lago).
In response to the confirmed reporting by The Scowl, President Trump denied the allegations, saying per usual in such circumstances that he “did not know” Vladimir Putin well and “would not say” whether he spoke to him recently or not. The White House and First Lady Melania Trump have also refused to comment, as has the Kremlin.
While Trump’s support has not cratered yet, it does turn out the extramarital affair reporting has soured impressions on evangelical, socially conservative supporters of Trump, who were reportedly astonished by his romantic activities with the male Russian dictator.
A number of LGBTQ+ groups called out Trump for his direct hypocrisy in bashing members of the transgender community in 2024 while falling deeply in love with one of the world’s most powerful authoritarian strongmen.
As a result of this scandal, Democrats and anti-Trump protesters are reportedly circulating AI videos of Donald Trump kissing Elon Musk’s feet with Putin’s face added in.
And that is The Scowl report.
SATIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!